Saturday, December 30, 2006

13. Waikanae Beach: Blue-Bottles and Blo-Karts (more photos on nzphotoblogue)

Aaaaah yes, the blustery weather finally broke and mother nature granted us a half-day reprieve from the monsoonal punishment of late. The high barometric pressure associated with sunny blue skies has a very positive effect on my mood. I actually woke up early this morning and felt amped and excited, ready to take on the world, just itching to get outside and make the most of the day.


I decided to take a drive up north to Waikanae Beach. I'd heard rumors that it was a nice place to get outside and take a walk.....I just had to figure out how to get there first. I set out on my journey armed with a primitive map from the local rag called the Kapiti phone directory. That helped out a bit but it was more my sense of direction and position of the ocean that got me where I was going. A few typical man-style wrong turns along the way and an innate reluctance to ask for directions probably cost me a liter or two of petrol, but it's not the destination, it's the journey (so "they" say...whoever "they" are).

BLO-KARTS
I parked at the eastern end of the Kapiti Reserve and walked north. There were quite a few kite surfers having a go of it, along with several people on what are called "blo-karts" which is basically a little dune-buggy with a sail attached to it. Waikanae is DEFINITELY the place for it considering how wide the beach is on a low tide. I spoke to a guy who was supervising his two kids on blo-karts and he told me they've been known to clock speeds of over 90km/h (55mph)! With speeds like that I asked if they came with brakes and he just smiled and said, "nah mate, ya just turn into the wind and loosen the sail." They're quite advanced really. They even come with little detachable side cars for putting your dog, cat, or significant other. They sell them at a local store in Porirua called Big Boys Toys. Even though it's categorized as a "toy," if you want one, it will set you back about $3000 NZD (~$2100 USD).

BLUE-BOTTLES (MINI PORTUGUESE MAN-O-WAR)
As I kept walking, I also noticed the presence of blue-bottle jellyfish washed up and scattered all over the beach. If you're not familiar with the blue-bottles, keep it that way. The big fat and frumpy jellyfish you see in the states are generally benign compared these things. The best short description is that it's a miniature Portuguese Man-of-War. Although they're blue in color, when they're floating out in the water, for some reason you just don't see them. They're not invisible, but just translucent enough to slip below the radar and give you a good sting before you even know what's hit you.

I was the unfortunate recipient of a blue-bottle sting while surfing Cave Rock just outside of Durban, South Africa back in 1999. I never even saw the thing. I was paddling back out after a catching a wave and was suddenly struck by the most painful burning sensation on my arm. My armpit glands started to swell so that worried me a bit. I knew about blue-bottles from my time in Australia, had heard all kinds of stories, but had somehow always successfully avoided them. I figured that's what it was, so I immediately got out of the water and ran to the house of a friend of the family where I was staying. She allowed me to soak my wounded paw in water as hot as I could handle which, eventually, did provide a dulling of the pain. The surf was actually very good on that day so I paddled back out for a few more waves, but cautiously neurotic thereafter.

The scary thing about blue-bottles is that the toxin secreted by their tentacles is about 75% as powerful as cobra venom. In severe cases, particularly those who experience an allergic reaction, it can send a victim into shock and interfere with the normal function of the heart and lungs. I wasn't particularly concerned that I was going to die, but it did leave a nasty red trail-like welt where the tentacle had wrapped around my arm.


Speaking of tentacles, they don't have to be attached to the blue-bottle to do their dirty work. In the case of a surfing beach, breaking waves rip the tentacles off the body and leave them haplessly floating, lying in wait for the next unfortunate soul to come along. I've heard cases of people accidentally ingesting them. Just as their mouths opened up, a wave washed in an errant tentacle causing a major reaction in the soft lining of the throat. In short, don't swallow blue-bottle tentacles...that would be bad.

LITTLE BIT OF SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING
Unfortunately, the spectacular weather we had packed its bags and made different arrangements. On the short drive home, our short-lived blue skies turned to dark gray clouds which quickly devolved to rain--warm rain, at least. But I'm not complaining: a little bit of something's better than a whole lot of nothing. Considering we've just come out of a week straight of winter-style weather, I feel good knowing I made the most of our noteworthy half-day of sun!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

12. Six Degrees of Unification


IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT
Life is all a matter of perspective. How you look at things, well, that’s your only reality. In my case, I ‘could’ look at the previous five days of blustery cold, wind, and rain and let it ruin my mood. Or I can just carry my own brand of sunshine on the inside and focus on how wonderfully clean the air is and how the rain has thoroughly washed away all the dust and grime five times over. New Zealand is, after all, clean and green for a reason.

I thought I would take advantage of the lovely ‘summer’ weather and reflect upon the convoluted turn of events leading up to this point. Before leaving San Diego for New Zealand, I hustled a bit and made some contacts on the ground here in Wellington. I put myself in touch with a manager at the City Fitness health chain, not so much to beg for a job, but more so just to feel things out and get a pulse on the fitness industry in this region. I did have a productive hour-long meeting with him and did manage to arrange for me to come in and do some lectures for his trainers.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
For those of you that know me well, you know that wherever I go, I have a way of just diving right into the thick of things and saying hello to everyone—much like a politician on the campaign trail, except without the kissing babies part. Hello translates to introductions, introductions translate to conversation, and conversation translates to limitless possibilities. In my previous solo world travels, no matter where I went or which country I found myself, I always went out of my way to offer a simple hello and a handshake. In fact, many of the friendships I developed back in those days still endure up to the point of this writing.

SIX DEGREES OF UNIFICATION
My second week in New Zealand was no different. I decided to make a cameo appearance at Latinos, the local Wellington salsa club, just to check out the scene and see who I might meet. A minute or two after I arrived, I struck up a conversation with Miguel and his wife. He turned out to be Brazilian so we rapped a bit in Portuguese and a little in Spanish. He then introduced me to a couple of Chileans and a guy from Argentina. That led to a few more introductions, until I eventually wound up dancing with the alpha female salsa instructor. We had a great dance together and then moved to the side of the dance floor to talk for a bit. She asked me what I did for a living to which I responded, ‘oh, I’m an exercise physiologist.’ She looked at me and said, ‘oh, you’re joking. I’ve gotta introduce you to Brendan, the DJ. He’s an exercise physiologist, too.’

Brendan was busy manning the music, but we were able to speak for a few minutes. He told me he had a physiology lab he was interested in getting off the ground and that he was very interested in meeting with me. We arranged a meeting at his facility where he later informed me he’d been searching for over six months for someone of my qualifications! We hashed out the details of the arrangement and he offered me a contract soon after. I begin on January 8th—not bad for the first night out salsa dancing!

LOOKING FORWARD
This is an ideal situation because the studio is very close to the university where I’ll be running my doctoral research investigation. Once things are under way and moving ahead full-steam, I will likely move either closer to the city or into the city. I love living in this monster house up in Pukerua Bay, but I also know that it’s not practical to be so far away. Just the cost of petrol alone will kill me, while living in the city will be a short bus ride home. I’m all about public transit wherever possible.

For the here and now, in spite of the punishing weather, I am completely happy and focusing on all the wonderful things I have in front of me. I’m hoping to make a quick trip over to Sydney in January to visit some dear friends. I know once I’m busy with the lab and my investigation that it could be snowing and it wouldn’t matter much. Unless, of course, I have to walk through a meter of snow on the beach to go for a surf!

Monday, December 25, 2006

11. United Nations Christmas Party--Kiwi Style

THE UNITED NATIONS CHRISTMAS PARTY
I can’t say that I’m particularly inspired to write at this moment considering I only "slept" three and ½ hours this morning. Any remote semblance of linguistic eloquence comes under much duress after last night’s United Nations Christmas party—it’s confusing and convoluted, so try your best to follow.

The lovely and talented Andria from Mexico City invited me to a Chilean fiesta de Nochebuena (Xmas eve to gringos). I arrived at her house at 8:30pm and was greeted at the door by Andria and Yoshi (from Japan). I walked in and then sat down for a chat with Honey and Faad, both refugees from war-torn Somalia, but who’d lived in Kenya and Tanzania before settling in New Zealand. Andria’s two Chilean flatmates showed up soon thereafter.

By 10 pm we left for the party in Mt. Cook with a pit stop at Pak n’ Save supermarket for a few things. The store was closed when we arrived, but the Chileans knew a Bolivian guy that worked there, so they were still able to get the requisite party supplies. We traveled in caravan to the party, carefully traversing a serpent torsadé of narrow roads until we arrived high atop the city.
SALSA: LA MÚSICA MAS ALEGRE DEL MUNDO
The minute I walked in, I felt right at home, what with some Dominican bachata playing on the stereo. I think we had nearly every continent besides Antarctica represented. Our little United Nations convention was comprised of one Mexican, one Japanese girl, one Bolivian, five Chileans, two Bulgarians, three Somalis, two Americans, and even a lone New Zealander—ironic as that was being in New Zealand.

I brought my iPod and Andria brought along her computer speakers, just in case. I soon unleashed a fury of salsa music on the crowd which succeeded in getting everyone up on their feet and dancing within a few minutes. The carpeting made spins a little difficult as did the food table nearby, but we managed to work out the glitches and turn it into a full-blown dance floor.

MAKE WINE, NOT WAR!
At one point, I actually paused for a moment to observe the joy in everyone’s facial expressions. I marveled at how eight different nations from every corner of the world can get along in such perfect harmony, yet the “real” United Nations (more like the Untied Nations) never seems to be able to agree on anything. The incongruence between the two can be explained by one thing: alcohol. While I think alcohol is probably one of the most destructive substances known to man for a plethora of reasons, I now trumpet its noteworthy benefit in addressing international discord. I posit the notion that alcohol should be served at the United Nations in both New York and Geneva. Make every day Christmas. Ten cups of holiday cheer for everyone—mandatory. Get ‘em all liquored up and watch Iran, Israel, North Korea, and the United States hug it out. I can hear them now, “aw shucks Ahmad, you’re not so bad after all! Yeah, Xiang Ching, I like you a lot better after a few drinks! So what was it we were bickering about anyway?” And in a final gesture of camaraderie and team-building, the Mexican representative wearing a traditional charro (tall hat), whistle in mouth, gets up with a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila and goes around serving up poppers* to unsuspecting members. I have a new slogan for the UN: Make wine, not war!

GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 2999
Four a.m. arrived without notice. Time had zipped by and I soon found the weight of my eyelids increasing by the minute. But that was just me. Everyone else was still going full-steam. Am I really getting that old that I can’t keep up with the best of them anymore? I had to wait for a ride home since my car was still at Andria’s house in Newtown.

We eventually made it back to her house at 5:00 just as the sun was pushing through the clouds to the east. They kindly set me up on the fold-out futon in the living room. This was perfect until about 5:30 when one of her jolly Chilean flatmates arrived home by taxi, cigarette in hand, partying like it was 2999. I wasn’t particularly fussed by this except for the fact I was now trying to get some sleep. My thoughtful and considerate coworker Jacques Rousseau had previously invited me to come to his house at 11 a.m. for Christmas brunch with his family. Doing the math, that didn’t leave much time to get any meaningful REM sleep. A minute or two later, the stereo roared to life. I liked the song, actually, but that wasn’t quite the opportune moment for it. I couldn’t get mad though since he was nice enough to offer me a Tui beer, which I gracefully declined, thanks anyway.

For some reason, in spite of my exhausted state, I was no longer sleepy. Sleepy happened a long time ago, somewhere around 10pm, right about when we arrived at the party. My circadian rhythm had done a complete cycle on my blood biochemistry and was now telling me, “well, sorry mate, ya had your chance to sleep and you missed it.” The music was still blasting from upstairs so I decided it would be better to just pack up my things and hit the road back home to Pukerua Bay.

DON’T BE ALARMED
I arrived home shortly after 6:00, went to bed at 6:30, and woke up at 10—well, sort of. There’s something odd with the human body. It has a built-in self-preservation defense mechanism to counteract irritating alarm clocks. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. But when my body’s not ready to wake up, it has some magical way of incorporating the most neurotoxic alarm sound into the most harmonious, melodic soundtrack for whatever dream happens to be occupying my head at that moment. Only on this occasion, my defense mechanism failed miserably and I woke up on time.

SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO THE ROUSSEAU FAMILY
I made it to Jacques’ beautiful Tawa home just south of Porirua at around 11. I immediately felt compelled to tell him the aforementioned story and that I was running on nothing more than a few petrol vapors. I thought it was only fitting because I didn’t want him to think that my incessant yawning was a sign of boredom. The family was positively delightful and the food absolutely wonderful. Being so far away from my own family, I am grateful to everyone that extended an open invitation for inclusion in holiday gatherings. A special thank you goes out to the Rousseau family for welcoming me to both their home and New Zealand during this special time of year. My hat’s off to you all! It meant the world to me!!

*a popper is when they tilt your head back and pour the tequila directly down your throat

Friday, December 22, 2006

10. Whale Tale (Meanwhile, back in San Diego...)

I received a rather interesting email this morning from San Diego. Dan, a surf buddy of mine and former next door neighbor in Mission Beach, shared this account of his brush with greatness. Thought it might be a nice tale to share.....

_______________________________________________________
Hey man, I was out surfing today in front of Kingston catching a few lefties. There were two other guys out about 60ft away from me to the south, one of these guys who I learned later was named Carlos, he happened to have his girlfriend on the beach taking pictures. Anyway, as I had just paddled back out to the lineup and sat up on my board for a few waiting for the next set, I heard a splash behind me and felt a small wave bounce off my back and at the same time Carlos was trying to get my attention and pointing at me or just behind me. Immediately, and before I could look over my shoulder and see what it was, I noticed beneath me and my board was what I thought was a dolphin directly below, moving away from my line of sight, well, the dolphin kept getting longer and larger and longer and larger from nose to tail there just was no tail!!! It kept going on and on!!! (sort of like a scene from Star Wars when they're filming the belly of the mother ship up close and the whole of it's enormity goes by forever and ever, actually no, I think Mel Brooks did this in Space Balls to a much funnier degree, anyway....) So, a "dolphin" it was not! Furthermore, I was being buffeted by the water boils that is was creating as it swam right beneath me! "What the?" Then I saw one of it's flippers as it rolled and flapped it's wings through the water only a few feet below my own. Then what seemed like a full minute (think Space Balls scene) and after a few "HOLY *#&@s" and all the while trying to lift my feet up as close to the surface as possible in order to try and prevent accidental ride on it's back and/or possibly losing a leg to Mr. Whitey!!! And finally, finally!!! A horizontal tail fin!!! Ahhh, Yes!!!!!!! "It's a Baby Whale!!!" I can breathe now. Really no joking!!!, Carlos later told me that it spy hopped (placed it's head out of the water for a look) right behind me! I am hoping that Carlos' girlfriend on the beach has a few photos of the whale. At birth, gray whales are about 15ft long, so maybe this one was 18ft. maybe 20ft? It was one huge mother ship!!!
Anyway, a Whale of a story! And I caught a few nice waves too. I'll try and get some photos.
Dan

9. First Full Day of Summer: Not Like You Could Tell

21 December 2006

Yesterday marked the first full day of summer in the southern hemisphere, although it came and went without much more than a passing glance by most kiwi observers. I woke to a symphonic percussion of rain on our tin roof, this eventually clearing and giving way to partially sunny skies, wind, wind, and more wind.

I did a bit of work from home and then went out for a walk to run some errands and squeeze a little exercise into the schedule. I lasted about one minute and immediately had to return to put one some warm clothes. Air temps were a balmy 13 or 14 degrees (56-58F) and felt even colder with the wind chill factor. I did eventually warm up a bit after stoking the metabolic furnace with a trip down to Pukerua Beach.

I confess, though, the kiwis are a hardy lot. Rain, wind, cold, nothing seems to phase them. There were still plenty of people on the beach, enjoying as if it were a steamy summer afternoon. You could scarcely tell the difference if not for the conspicuous showing of winter garb.

In spite of the cool temperatures, I can say there's still something very appealing about summertime NZ. You don't have the ugly, smoggy summertime pollution inversion layer often seen in some major cities. The rain washes away all the dust and grime while the wind keeps the air fresh and fragrant. I admit, I'm still a bit thin blooded having come from a warm climate, but if I can just get myself mentally back to how I used to be while living in New Jersey, I think I'll be fine. I remember walking across the beach through knee-deep snow just to go for a surf, paddling by floating ice chunks, with air temperatures in the negative God-only-knows with the wind chill. By comparison, I'm living in a tropical island paradise!

Last night, I happened to flick on the tele to have a look at one of our four channels we receive without cable. Lo and behold, we get Fox News here, the official media outlet of the Republican National Party. Aside from the usless partisan conservative tirades, I did find the weather segment quite entertaining, and about the only part I could tell that was impermeable to a right-wing spin by the White House. Besides the blizzard gripping Colorado, I could see that the rest of the country, on the first day of winter, was actually as warm or warmer than our summer weather here in the Wellington region! Looks like El Niño's at it again. Gonna spank that little bastard as soon as I get my hands on him!!

Monday, December 18, 2006

8: Musical Houses: Paekakariki to Pukerua Bay

25 November to 1 December 2006
Paekakariki to Pukerua Bay
Note: if photos fail to load properly, resize your browser to make it either wider or narrower until they fit flush within the text.

MUSICAL HOUSES
For all intents and purposes, I’ve been homeless since August 15th. The new Nazi property owners that took over our palatial ocean front estate on the boardwalk in San Diego booted us out under the guise of “renovating” and reselling each of the four units as condos. But karma has a way of avenging even the savviest of real estate moguls. The Southern California housing market took a dip and essentially left the company with an overstock of overpriced property nobody wanted, not even on ocean front. So they did a little work on the wiring, slapped some paint on the walls, and sold them off as is. Jerks.

SPECIAL THANKS TO MY HOSTS
My trusted friend Pablo Romo graciously opened his home and took me in for a few months. I stayed with him until I left for New Zealand on November 14th, at which time I joined the ranks of the homeless once again.

When I arrived in New Zealand, my esteemed friend and colleague Bob Cheema and his fiancée Verena took pity on me and let me camp out in their spare bedroom. This was only a temporary situation, though, because Mom and Sister Cheema—as I like to call them—were on their way to New Zealand for a holiday visit. Space was going to be an issue and I needed to hustle and get a more permanent, stable living arrangement.

DUNGEONMATES
I scoured the newspaper and online flatmate ads, borrowing Bob’s truck to view the properties. Bob and Verena warned me that Wellington is notorious for grungy, dilapidated accommodations, but I had to see it with my own eyes. One after another, I found places were either cold, dark, and dirty or the existing tenants were too young and immature (as evidenced by the stacked “Dish-henge” in the kitchen). Somehow the thought of living in a place with mix and match furniture and a bong standing up in the corner didn’t sit well with me. I quickly grew more impatient and frustrated with each successive viewing. More often than not, the ads were deceptive and not accurately reflective of the image I’d envisioned.

A day or two before Mom Cheema arrived, I returned from the house hunt exhausted and exasperated, wondering how this was all going to pan out if I didn’t find something soon. Bob and Verena’s flatmate, Barbara, had an idea. She phoned Shar and Ric, some friendly neighbors down the street, knowing they often host international visitors from a variety of environmental charities. Barbara explained our impending packed perch predicament on the Paekakariki Parade and, for a fair and equitable price, they agreed to take me in for up to a month. Done. I left a few suitcases at the house, took what I needed, then walked 200 meters down to the next stop on my magical musical house tour.

SHAR AND RIC
I like to think I’ve developed a rather advanced bullshit detector from my extensive world travels. Within a minute, I could tell Shar and Ric were two of the kindest, friendliest Kiwis I could ever meet. They make a beautiful home on the ocean front in Paekakariki, shared with two gregarious labrador retrievers. It’s an idyllic life in this artsy little community. It’s safe enough that they don’t even feel compelled to lock their doors—on the house or car! In fact, Ric drives up, turns off the car, and leaves the keys in the ignition with the windows rolled down. Good luck trying that anywhere else on Earth in this day and age!

I told them up front that I had no intention of squatting on them for several months. We agreed to take it one week at a time until I found somewhere else to my liking. I expressed my gratitude but confessed that this bee’s been homeless and hovering for over three months and was ready to have a hive of his own.

WINE AND POLITICS: A NOT SO EXPLOSIVE MIX
I received a warm welcome the first night with a kind offer of food and drink. I’d arrived on a full stomach, so I opted for the fermented red grape juice instead. Shar and Ric were entertaining Vanessa, a former next door neighbor originally from Birmingham, England who’d since moved on to Brisbane, Australia with her family and was back in Wellington for a work conference. It didn’t take long for the Merlot to kick in and grease the wheels of political discussion. Vanessa took great pleasure in having a few digs at “resident” George Dubya, expecting that I, as an American, might make some feeble attempt at defending the half-baked, election-stealing mongrel. That part of her diatribe ended when I categorically agreed with every point she made. Ric finally decided to wind down the night by serving up a bottle of port. By the time it was all over, Vanessa and I were exchanging email addresses and phone numbers. “You’re not such a bad Yank after all,” she later quipped.

I soon realized leaving this little utopia would be more difficult than I thought. Maggie and Molly started tugging on my heart strings the minute I walked in the door. Their two retrievers reminded me so much of our family dog, Rusty, not so much in terms of looks, but in their behavior. I had to laugh when Shar and Ric told me not to leave anything fragile on the coffee table, lest wagging tails send it plummeting to a quick death. They were so excited to have an extra set of hands to pet them to their hearts’ content. But like all good retrievers, they have a reverse Pavlovian technique for conditioning humans to attend to their every whim.

KIWI DANCE PARTNER
Retrievers have a way of assuming human-like attributes. Put dried Purina in front of them and watch it sit there. They’ll look up at you as if to say in a posh British accent, “Hey, what’s this? You expect me to eat this dried crap? Where’s my filet mignon, steamed carrot medallions, and glass of chardonnay?” They expect to be let out at will, run on the beach whenever the mood strikes, and sleep in the same bed with their owners.

Molly was the more dominant of the two and was always jumping up on me trying to prove her mettle by walking on two legs. I decided to indulge her human-like propensities by teaching her a few salsa moves. As you can see in the picture, she’s actually quite a skilled dancer. Note the impeccable frame she maintains as I lead her around the kitchen. Her left paw is properly placed with meticulous care on my right shoulder and her right paw extended to just the right angle. I think I see a long and illustrious career for her on the dance circuit.

Though I was enjoying my time at Shar and Ric’s house, I continued to view more properties. I’d recently bought Forrest, my beloved Toyota Corolla (see post #7), so I had free reign to roam about in search of a new roost without having to borrow Bob’s truck. In short, finding a place continued to be a royal bitch and I was starting to wonder if a single respectable rental property existed in Wellington.

PUKERUA BAY
I answered an ad in the local Kapiti Observer newspaper for a proper house in Pukerua Bay. A lovely lass named Rachel had just purchased the house and was slated to move in the coming weekend. I took one look at it and pretty much agreed on the spot to move in. It’s a monster house with spectacular panoramic views of Pukerua Bay and Paekakariki. It’s got plenty of off-street parking up front and a massive backyard with a storage shed. It’s east facing so it gets plenty of morning sun, but unfortunately after 5pm the sun falls over the mountain and then it turns into an icebox. But all things considered, that’s a non-issue in comparison to everything else I’d previously viewed. (See the Google Earth images at http://nzphotoblogue.blogspot.com/)

I moved in on December 1st. I soon realized it was going to be a bit of a commute to the city, but on a positive note, at least the “traffic” keeps moving. Looking ahead, I’m likely going to be running the investigation at the university and working in a physiology lab down the road doing athlete testing. I told Rachel up front that I loved the house but I might grudgingly have to look for something either in the city or closer to it. The good news is that I’m mostly doing menial leg work and preparations at this time, so I can work from home for the moment.

CAVE FOR RENT
I now have a better sense of orientation in the city so I scoped out some sunny areas of Wellington that are also close to work. I decided to kick the proverbial tires just to see what was out there and get a better feel of the prices. I figure when the time comes, I’ll rent a place on my own and then seek out a renter for the other room. I phoned up a few real estate agents and had a look at some rental units in the Miramar district. It turns out they’re no better than the deceptive ads you find in the newspaper. I found one place that was advertised as “spacious, sunny, large deck, city views.” When I arrived, it was the polar opposite of the description. It had two microscopic bedrooms that, in my opinion, resembled nothing more than glorified walk-in closets, one shoddy bathroom in dire need of a cleaning, no back windows or doors for cross-ventilation, and about 5 to 10 millimeters of mold growing from the window sills. The “deck” was tiny and the so-called “city view” was obscured by overgrown trees. On top of all this, it smelled grungy and musty. I couldn’t contain myself. I came right out and told her, “I can’t even believe you’re trying to rent this place. It’s not even clean and, as far as I’m concerned, poses a likely health hazard for any potential occupants.” She told me it would be “cleaned before the lease was signed.” Yeah, sure it will. I lasted about three minutes before walking out in disgust, insulted that I’d even wasted my time on such a place. The real kicker was the price. They wanted $280 NZD per week (about $190 USD, $530 Euros, $247 AUD)!

In the meantime, I am going to stay put here in Pukerua Bay. I figure a little peace of mind is worth blowing a little time and petrol driving into the city. There’s a little goat trail down the street that leads right to the Pukerua beach and, from there, the Wairaka Reserve offers a nice nature trail to get out and get some sun and exercise. I’ve decided it’s best to work from home as much as possible and go into the city only when absolutely necessary. When push comes to shove and it becomes absolutely imperative to move closer, then I’ll cross that bridge when the time comes.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

7. Forrest Gump: 1996 Toyota Corolla G-Touring Wagon

FORREST GUMP: 1996 TOYOTA COROLLA G-TOURING

In a previous posting, I briefly mentioned the story of how I found my car. I had been walking around the used car lots in the Wellington CBD, haggling with salesmen, test driving cars, all to no avail. I returned to Paekakariki quite frustrated, still feeling unsettled from living in a perpetual state of limbo. At that opportune moment, Bobby and Verena came home from a walk and said, “hey, we found your car!” A girl down the street was selling a 1996 Toyota Corolla G-Touring station wagon with 107,000 km (66,000 miles) on it for $5000 NZD ($3300 USD or 2500 Euros). I think the Man upstairs must have taken pity on me and decided to work a little magic. I immediately walked down to the house, test drove it, and gave her a deposit on the spot. It was just what I was looking for. It’s a 4WD, manual, 4 cylinder, and obviously economical on petrol. With the price of fuel here quite expensive by Yank standards and ridiculously cheap by European standards, I wanted something that would only sip fuel rather than guzzle it.



When I first saw the car, it had so much dirt and grime on it that the color was barely discernible. Black, green, blue? I was stumped. But it ran well, so that’s really the only thing that concerned me.



I took it to the Chris, the local Paekakariki mechanic, several days later and paid $60 for a pre-purchase inspection which, fortunately, came out well spare a few minor things you’d expect in a used car. The only thing I didn’t have tabs on was the timing belt. As a guy only buys second-hand cars, I’m very wise to the importance of knowing the status of the timing belt. Before I’d even bought the car, I made an appointment to change it out. Smart move on my part because he told me the old one was shot. Knock on wood, I pray there won’t be any other major mechanical issues to address.

RUN FORREST, RUN!!!
For those of you familiar with writings from my previous adventures, you’ll recall I always name my cars based on some noteworthy trait or characteristic. I affectionately named the beater ‘84 Toyota Corolla I owned in Australia back in 1998/99 Bessie May due to her undying loyalty and resilience to death no matter what the odds. My second Toyota in Australia, an ’86 Corolla, was named the Blue Bubble due to car’s body shape.

I’ve decided to dub this car Forrest Gump due to its forest green color, unassuming, unimpressive, soccer mom-esque station wagon frame (complete with bull bars), and its unwavering reliability. It is, after all, a Toyota! It’s also a 4WD, so I’m expecting to dig it neck deep in beach sand with the tide rising quickly, only to escape a saltwater drowning just in the nick of time.

SHOWER IT WITH LOVE….AND MAYBE A LITTLE WATER FROM TIME TO TIME
Every time you buy a pre-loved (or pre-neglected) vehicle, it takes a while to settle into it and learn all the new features, the quirks, rattles, etc. It kind of becomes your child, where you know what’s “normal,” and any little hiccup or sputter catches your attention. I knew when I test drove the car that it would become “my baby.” It just felt right and I went with it.
Once the deal was sealed, I took it away to shower it with love…..and a little water to get rid of the thick layer of neglect that was coating the barely discernible green paint. As I washed the car, I noticed the conspicuous presence of tiny little white flecks of paint ALL over the entire car. They weren’t noticeable when the car still donned its mud coat, so I really got blind-sided on this one. I spent probably 10 to 15 minutes on each panel scrubbing and rubbing off the paint. I actually said to myself out loud, “well, thank God I rescued you just in time.” Poor Forrest craved attention!!

CLUB SODA, NOT SEALS
The surprises didn’t stop there. There was something peculiar about the car that I didn’t really notice so much during the test drive. After I bought the car and drove it around for a day or two, I noticed a persistent “aroma” to put it lightly, and one that refused to part ways with the vehicle. Actually, it was the “essence” of the previous owner that refused to part ways with Forrest.

A musty stench of death body odor emanated from the driver’s seat and carpet. The girl I bought Forrest from was what you might euphemistically call the “artsy, granola, crunchy, UC Berkeley, Birkenstock-wearing, save the whales, hug a tree, club soda, not seals” type. I was tipped off to the hygiene habits by the presence of body hair where it should never grow on a woman, namely the 1.5 to 2 inch-long hairs growing off the mole on her “chneck” (the crease of the chin/neck). Then there was the rather impressive plumage from her greasy mullet (see http://www.mulletsgalore.com/ for tutorial) which also appeared to have weathered a fair bit of neglect. The oily, clumped together look may have indicated a regular combing with a dried fish bone, but I could be wrong.

In all fairness, she was a lovely girl, friendly and well-mannered by all means. She was a painter which would explain the paint flecks. And having done a little painting myself from time to time, I know it’s possible to work up a bit of a sweat. I reasoned that perhaps it was a conscientious effort to save water in New Zealand, even though with all the rain here, a water shortage is the last thing concerning Kiwis.

THE ENTITY
My current saga reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where some guy with body odor gets into his car and then Jerry can’t get rid of the foul smell. He goes to great lengths to try and rid the car of “the entity,” all to no avail. Well, I’m living a real life version of that. I’ve been to the auto parts shop for some bionic antibacterial odor eater and have been spraying it on the upholstery every day for the last two weeks I’ve owned the car. It has mildly “worked” but I can still detect a hint of the original smell which refuses to be expunged. I fear that perhaps the smell is actually a living, breathing, carbon-based, higher order life form alive, well, and thriving deep within the spongy cushion of my seat. I fear I may have to call on the services of an exorcist to purge the demon, but pray that I won’t have to resort to such drastic levels.

iTard
I confess I’ve recently become something of an “iTard.” Before I bought Forrest, I noticed he came with a radio/cassette player, perfect for me to plug in my cassette adapter for my iPod. I imagined myself cruising along New Zealand’s wide open roads with over 1000 songs at my fingertips, choosing the perfect song to match the idyllic afternoons. Yeah. Right.
I went from iTard to bonafide retard. Every time I popped the cassette into the player, it spat out the tape. I’d push it back in and after a few seconds it would spit it back out again. On top of the cassette fiasco, I learned that my FM radio frequencies went from 76 to 90, then flipped back to 76 again. No matter what adjustments I made, I could NOT get the stupid radio to go higher than 90.

I drove around to some local car audio shops to see if they’d ever heard of this. I soon learned the cassette player can’t use my adapter because there is no physical tape inside. The mechanisms don’t sense any tension on the heads, so it assumes there’s a malfunction and spits out the tape.
As for the radio, it turns out that Japanese cars imported FROM Japan have a narrower frequency range. Basically the stereo and cassette player are useless to me. I only have two cassettes to my name, with some poor quality radio clips from a few years ago. With the radio, I have managed to find a single AM news radio program and one crappy, static-plagued FM station that plays romantic oldies.

A LITTLE SUFFERING'S GOOD FOR THE SOUL, AND THE AMUSEMENT OF OTHERS
In spite of all these little surprises with Forrest, I am happy that it makes for great story telling. Yep, kinda makes me a bit nostalgic and misty as I think back to various moments of personal trauma. Nothing like sleeping in Mexico City airport, freezing my ass off during an 18-hour layover, three times on three different trips. Getting charged by pissed off elephants in Africa and thinking you’re going to die. Or the boat engine conking out on us in the Beqa Channel in Fiji and expecting to drift out to sea (Larry and Geoff, remember? You were there). Yeah, I hated every minute of it at the time, but now I’m glad we can all have a laugh at my expense. Life’s as good as you want to make it for yourself. Just be sure to add a little suffering in there from time to time; it’ll make you a lot more interesting!!

6. All I wanted was a damn printer!

Preface

This is the second installment fast and furious consumer complaint letter, dealing with a printer I ordered online. I waited all day for the thing to be delivered, but it never arrived. The courier company couldn't find the house, so they returned it to the warehouse. They were never provided a phone number from the company I ordered it through, so it went back to Auckland. The vendor decided I should pay for shipping. I begged to differ. All names and sensitive information have been changed since they have since complied with my demands.

From:
El Desconocido
62A The Parade
Paekakariki, Kapiti Coast

Re: Order 17548--Breach of Contract

11 December 2006

To:
ripyouoff.co.nz
Attn: Jim
123 Main Street
Waterloo, Lower Hutt, Wellington

CC:
Catherine McDonald
Consumer Advisor
Consumer Institute
Wellington Office

Attachments:
Photo: 62A The Parade, Paekakariki Letterbox in Public View
Photo: 62A The Parade, close ups
Photo: Text message from Jim dated 5 Dec finally naming courier and tracking number, 5 days after transaction initiation
Form: Desconocido Invoice with printer details and cost breakdown
Form: Itemised and dated chronology of events

Dear Jim,
I recently attempted to order a Canon MP150 printer through your internet company ripyouoff.co.nz. Unfortunately and regretfully, the transaction turned into an exercise in futility for all parties involved when the courier company failed to deliver it to the designated shipping address.

Nearly a week after the order, I requested a full refund since the transaction was never completed; the goods never physically touched my hands. However, the refund amount was short in the amount of $7.88, even though in your invoice (see attached) shipping was actually charged out at $7.00. This constitutes a legal breach of contract and I am requesting that you reconsider your decision and promptly refund the remainder. Had the goods been delivered to an incorrect address or were received then rejected, then yes, I would agree that I should be responsible for the shipping charges. But the fact remains, it was not a completed transaction.

In a phone call to your office, you claimed that I should pay the return shipping since, according to you, I supposedly provided an “invalid or undeliverable” address. This is entirely untrue and is evidenced by photographic proof to the contrary. The 62A letterbox is in clear and public view and there is no reason why the courier company could not have delivered this package. They clearly made a mistake, so that issue is between your company and the courier. I should not be made to bear the burden of their error.

It is my belief that you illegally breached your responsibilities as a vendor. First, you did not provide me with the courier name and tracking number until 5 days after I initiated the transaction. This is supported by photographic evidence (see attached). If you had supplied this information, I would have called the courier company myself and had them redeliver it the next day.

Second, the courier company claims that they didn’t have my phone number, even though I entered it into your website interface at the time of order. If you’d have given it to them, they could have easily called me while they were still in Paekakariki trying to deliver it. I spoke with both Margaret and Tatiana at Courier Post, both of which confirmed that you did not provide them with my mobile number.

Third, I am left to wonder why, from the initiation of the transaction, you as the vendor didn't tell me which courier company was delivering the printer, nor provide me with a tracking number. Had this been furnished to me early on, we could have circumvented this entire issue. As evidence of this, please see the following email from you to me dated 30 November.

Fourth, I am dismayed at the way you handled the situation when we spoke on the phone last Friday (8 Dec). You continued to insist that I provided an invalid address and should be liable for shipping at which time you stated to me, "I've wasted enough time on this already." Your unwillingness to help your customer nor attempt to better understand the situation before making a decision is unfortunate and, in my opinion, represents poor business ethics and customer service standards.

I call your attention to the fact that Miss Catherine McDonald (cc'd on this email) with the Consumer Institute in Wellington was quite disturbed by the turns of events and is interested in the outcome of this matter. I have agreed to keep her informed as the issue transpires.

Please review the attachments contained herein and let me know if you'd like to reconsider your decision. Please be so kind as to respond within three (3) business days or I will consider further action into resolving this matter. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,
El Desconocido


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Rip You Off Sales support@ripyouoff.co.nz escribió:
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2006 22:26:39 +1300
From: Rip You Off Sales support@ripyouoff.co.nz
Subject: Rip You Off SalesOrder 17548 - Despatch Advice (Invoice Attached)
To: eldesconocido@yahoo.com

Kia ora Desconocido,

Your order, number 17548, has been despatched from the warehouse. Unfortunately we were not able to obtain a tracking number for this order. Please let us know if you have not received delivery in a day or so.

Before accepting delivery from the courier, please ensure the packaging is in good condition with no signs of damage. If damaged, it is best to reject the goods back to the courier and advise us asap.

A tax invoice is attached. Please print this out and keep it for your records. A hard copy will not be sent out unless you specifically request one.Thanks again for shopping at Rip You Off Sales, and we hope to see you again soon.

Kind Regards,
Rip You Off Saleshttp://www.ripyouoff.co.nz
If you have any questions about this message simply reply with your query, and we will respond to you asap.

5. Don't get mad, write a letter!

Preface
I fancy myself a wizard at the art of writing convincing threat letters to companies.  Never underestimate the power of letter writing and the threat of bad publicity. If you need a powerful letter written on your behalf, I charge a modest fee for my services. Haha!


This episode deals with my handling of a popular car sales rag I used in San Diego before leaving for New Zealand. As far as I knew, the ad didn't even run, or if it did, it ran late. I've changed the names of all parties involved and renamed the offending company screwyousales.com. Read from the bottom up to follow the chonology of events.

Rhonda XYZ escribió:
De: "Rhonda XYZ" rhonda.xyz@screwyousales.com
Para: "El Desconocido" eldesconocido@yahoo.com
Asunto: RE: Screw You Sales Refund Issue
Fecha: Thu, 30 Nov 2006 15:30:02 -0800

Hey Desconocido it's Rhonda,
I'm going to go ahead and refund your money right away....it will take 7-10 business days to credit back to your account. I'm sorry that our service did not work for you. The selling of vehicles is really slow around this time in Nov and Dec. I hope you do consider to use us in the near future. Thank you.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
-----Original Message-----
From: El Desconocido [mailto:eldesconocdo@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2006 12:19 PM
To: Rhonda XYZ
Cc: mailto:Rhonda
Subject: RE: Screw You Sales Refund Issue

Hello Rhonda,
Thank you so much for the courtesy of a reply. Yes, I had a very difficult time receiving any resolve. I recently moved to New Zealand for my doctoral research, where from which I am currently writing you this email (and the reason my phone is disconnected). If you review the records, you'll see that my advertisement was submitted on Monday 6 November (if memory serves me correct). I was under the impression that the ad would run online immediately, yet the print publication would come out Friday. Being that I was in the process of packing my things for my move to New Zealand, I really needed the ad to run immediately. I was extremely disappointed that AFTER I'd paid my fees, it then told me it would run on November 10th. This really didn't help matters much at all.

Even after the ad purportedly came out both in print and online, I received NO calls. Actually, I posted it on Craigslist.org and received more calls than I knew what to do with, and they're free. I left San Diego for New Zealand on 14 November and, as of that date, received not a single call from the screwyousales ad. This led me to believe that the ad did NOT run on the 10th of November as I'd initially thought. I thought that perhaps it'd slipped through the cracks and came out on the 17th or 18th of November instead, AFTER I'd landed in New Zealand.

If I've erred in my judgment, that is fine. That I can live with. However, with all due respect, I found the Screw You Sales customer service woefully lagging and inadequate. I'm not expecting a ticker-tape parade by any means, but I would have liked this matter handled in a more expeditious manner rather than the typical "pass-the-buck" mentality that plagues our society in America.

As a freelance writer, this episode has inspired me to write an article on customer service in America, with screwyousales receiving honorable, yet factual, mention. Craigslist.org receives the A+ for service and value. Please find my article in a major publication on a news stand near you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
El Desconocido

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Rhonda XYZ escribió:

Hola Se~or Desconocido,
My name is Rhonda, I'm the Lead in the Customer Service Dept. I received your email today forwarded by the webmasters regarding your refund. We tried to contact you by phone but the number listed is not in service. Your ad originally came out on issue #45 which started on Nov. 10th. Your email was sent to use on the 18th..by that time it was on it's 2nd week running in issue #46. Our policy here is once we take or receive your photo which it was done online by you, there are NO REFUNDS. I'm really sorry we did not reply to you earlier our webmasters were on vacation of the week of Thanksgiving. If you have any other concerns or complaints, you can contact my supervisor _______ at 858-123-4567. Thank you.

4. Settling Into The Kiwi Lifestyle

SETTLING INTO DAILY KIWI LIFE
It's starting to settle in now. I LIVE in New Zealand. And I'm completely settled with that decision. The quality of life here in "Aotearoa" is actually pretty good. There's something in the air here. People just aren't fussed too much about things. The vibe I get is one of complete relaxation. There's plenty of room to breath without feeling like someone's always looking over your shoulder. What a stark contrast coming from Southern California to what could quite literally equate to a 1950s Leave It To Beaver episode.

In some ways things are less expensive and other ways more so. The rent for the house I'll be living in will come out to approximately $330 to $360 per month, give or take. But then if you do the conversion on fuel prices, you're looking at about $3.70 for a gallon of regular unleaded. I think I'd rather take the cheap rent instead!

Speaking of cars and apartments, lining up both was a frustrating exercise in futility. Bob's been a COMPLETE legend by allowing me to use his truck to seek out cars and places to live. Another humble THANKS MATE!! I drove into the Wellington CBD last week with the intention of visiting the car dealerships. Well, I walked around and soon realized that most used cars worth buying start out at around $8000 NZD and go up from there. I came to learn that New Zealand imports boatloads of very low km cars and trucks from Japan. This, for some reason, has pushed the less expensive used car market out the window. I wasn't looking for anything extravagant; perhaps something like a John Deere riding mower would have been sufficient for my purposes.

The next problem was getting cash from my American bank account over to New Zealand without getting reamed. I set up a Bank of America account before leaving since they have a reciprocity agreement with Westpac Bank of New Zealand. In short, I can take cash out of the ATM without any international withdrawal fees. Sounds great but then I soon learned I can only take out about $340 USD per day!! At that rate, there was no way I was going to have enough for a car any time soon. It probably did me a favor though since I had to balk and walk away from the more expensive cars.

I was beginning to feel the frustration of having to borrow a car. I don't like to bother anyone if I can do it on my own, but being in the quaint but distant community of Paekakariki I really had no choice. One day Bob and Verena came home from an afternoon walk and said, "hey, we found your car!!" One of the neighbors down the road had a 1996 Toyota Corolla G-Touring wagon for sale with 107,000km (66000 miles) on it. I immediately walked over, knocked on the door, and took it for a test drive. Ran like a charm and felt like a good fit. It's got EVERYTHING I was looking for. It's a 4WD, manual, 1500cc, 4 cylinder. Perfect. Good for fuel economy, yet with space for the surfboards and camping gear. I gave her $100 on the spot as a deposit and gesture of intent to buy.

Only problem with the situation is that I couldn't get enough cash out of my US accounts over to NZ in a timely manner. The fun was only just beginning. I thought of doing a cash advance on my credit card but those are almost always a bad idea because they automatically charge 3% on the amount for an "international transaction fee" plus the extortionate interest rate.

WANK OF AMERICA
I tried to arrange a wire transfer from the US to NZ but that completely flopped when the collective ignorami that form the corporate entity known as Bank of America expectedly blew the whole thing. I think a more appropriate moniker would be WANK of America since that is about all they're capable of doing in lieu of anything that would closely resemble a professional job. Furthermore, the bunch of WANKers will offer a crappy exchange rate and then charge a bunch of other extraneous "disservice" charges for sending and receiving. In short, there's no way to beat the organized criminals that govern the banking institutions. They're quick to take your money but are having none of it when it comes time to give it back to you, for a small fee, of course.

In the era of out-of-control banks that have lost sight of quality customer service, I posit the idea of charging banks a "handling fee" to take my money. For example, I walk into a bank with the intention of depositing $1000 into my account. As the teller motions to take my money, I coldly and impersonally pull the cash back and inform this person that I will hand over the money after I charge my usual "handling fee" of 5%. After all, I had to physically drive to the bank, park my car, walk into the bank, fill out the deposit slip, wait in line, AND deal with a LIVE teller. This all costs me money, so because I'm doing the bank the favor of giving them my money, I must charge this fee for my efforts. So I take $50 back and put that in my pocket. My actual deposited amount is $950, but the dollar amount credited to my account is actually $1000. THAT'S how it should work. Short of that, I'm going to start stuffing my cash in the mattress.

CITIWANK
After the wire failed, I decided to bend over, grab ankles, and take it on the credit card. I called three different NZ banks to make sure there would be no problems with doing a cash advance the following day. Then I called my friends at Citibank who've always been there for me in the past when I most needed them—to hold my head under water while gasping for air. I told the "customer disservice" rep that I was physically IN New Zealand and that I was going to be doing a cash advance for approximately $3500 USD. I asked him to remove any block that may occur when I went to the bank AND to place a note in the computer to this effect. This call took place ONE hour before leaving for the bank. All was in order. Or so I thought.

I arrived to the Bank of New Zealand, walked in with three forms of ID in hand, ready to do what, by all accounts, should have been a simple transaction. She swiped the card. DECLINED!!!!! I told her I'd just called the bank and that this must have been a mistake. She said, "well, that's what it said." She told me I could speak to the lady that works at the information desk and perhaps I could use her phone to call the credit card company. I went over to the desk and soon realized that perhaps the crabbiest Kiwi actually works at the info desk at Bank of New Zealand. She did NOT want to let me use the phone, rudely stating that if any other customers came in behind me that I'd have to hang up. "Oh, please ma'am, can I beg you to kick me a little harder in the nuts? No, that wasn't hard enough. Why don't you put on your steel-toed boots and I'll drop my pants. I'll even give you a running start for good measure!! In order to call Citibank, I had to call a NZ operator to assist with the transfer. It rang, and rang, and rang, and rang some more. No one answered.

Meanwhile the girl selling me the car sat idly to the side, wondering, like me, if the deal was even going to happen. I went to another teller who tried the card again. Declined. I fortunately brought my other Citibank credit card which, like the first one, was promptly denied. After wrangling and wrestling with the soft-cock wankers that call themselves Citibank, I was able to get the transaction to go through. I physically had to get on the phone on two occasions to verify my identity. Needless to say, there was no record whatsoever that I'd called, nor were there any notes on my account stating that I was in NZ and would be doing a cash advance.

The car deal went through and we transferred everything over to my name within 10 minutes. But as far as I was concerned, the CitiWANK episode was VERY far from over. Why even bother having a cash advance limit if they're only going to deny it by default? This was a clear case of abject breach of customer service and I was not going to walk around all day until I gave CitiWANK a piece of my mind.

I called them when I got home and proceeded to tell the tale to one customer "service" rep after another. No one would break ranks and admit that they'd screwed me. In typical politician/big business fashion, NEVER admit wrongdoing. Deny it to the end. The customer is always wrong. A new customer is born every second. They're expendable. This treatment only served to infuriate me even more. Finally, I had them transfer me over to the CitiBusiness side of things. I had to use that card when the first one was declined. I told the story…..AGAIN, only this time, I had an agent that wasn't quite so bright. He actually exhibited a minor shred of empathy and admitted that I was wronged—"well yeah, if you called before going to the bank, it should have gone through" he confessed. He transferred me to a "supervisor" who, in turn, proceeded to be more of an impediment than a help. I finally got her to wave the interest rate after that was all said and done. I am currently following up with a letter to CitiWANK including the CEO's office, not only for the embarrassing display at the bank but for the subsequent lack of sensitivity and unwillingness to remedy the situation.

HOME SWEET GRUNGY HOME
Bob and Verena forewarned me that many homes in Wellington are rather old, grungy, and you get what you pay for (or less). I looked at a variety of places up here on the Kapiti Coast and in the Wellington CBD, to no avail. Most roommate situations here are young 20-somethings who could really do with a few remedial cleaning lessons with mom—nor was I particularly endeared by the mix and match furniture complete with snarf stains all over it.

None of the places felt like "home" until I came across an advertisement for a place in Pukerua Bay. A girl named Rachel just bought the house and was looking for a professional to share the living arrangements and cut down on her mortgage rate. I checked it out and it's a go. I move in tomorrow (Friday 1 December). It's a spacious house with a view of the Tasman Sea. It's not ocean front but it does get a fair bit of sunlight. It's got a view of the valley out the east-facing window, which means nice bright light in the morning. The back side of the house is west-facing with a rather steep grade back yard, which means it gets sun and is blocked by the strong onshore winds in the afternoon. This translates to a warmer house come winter season.

LOOKING FORWARD
I am still positively thrilled about being in New Zealand. I will admit I'm a little out of sorts being that I've only recently arrived and am getting up and on even keel. I need to get back in the gym and get on my regular routine. I need to change my student visa to a student/work visa so I can legally get paid. I'll be doing the literature review for my PhD beginning next week and the paperwork for submission to the university human subjects committee.

It's all about looking forward from here. I am focusing on what's in front of me and not looking back. I'm living in the moment and not losing sight of why I came to New Zealand. I have my goal set out and know that San Diego was a great chapter in my life but frankly, its run its course (I do miss Mexico though). I grew stale in so many ways and had effectively stagnated for all intents and purposes. I'm also maintaining a positive attitude when I'm not sarcastically wrestling with morons at banks and credit card companies. But hey, if that's the worst that happens to me, then I guess in the big picture I'm doing pretty good!!

3. The Wairarapa Region: North Island, New Zealand

THE WAIRARAPA REGION
Bob's work ethic is second to none. He's just finishing up his first year of teaching at Massey University. He spent the entire weekend glued to his computer editing manuscripts for journal publications. But even so, there comes a time where a guy's just gotta say, "SCREW IT, LET'S GO SURFING!!"

Monday afternoon, November 20th, we packed up the surfboards and camping gear and headed for the Wairarapas, the mountain range that borders the southeast coast of the North Island. One stop at the New World supermarket in Mana and we were stocked for a few days. We quietly slid out of town via Paremata Road which winds through the Upper Hutt region and on over to the 2 Motorway into the Wairarapas. Let me just say, the scenery anywhere in New Zealand is positively captivating, but this area was particularly mind-blowing. As you look off in the distance, you can't help but be overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of it all. Every shade of green from light chartreuse to deep forest green. In fact, this is the area where they filmed Lord of the Rings. While I confess I might be the last person on Earth who still hasn't seen the movie, I'd rather get on the plane and see it all first hand. This area is also particularly favorable for growing grapes which has spawned something of a mini Napa Valley in the Martinsborough region.

After a couple hours snaking through the winding coast road, we pulled up to Ning Nong reef. All reports called for optimal northwest offshore winds, but we arrived to sizable surf with blustery side shore winds which creating a strong cross chop. There were only two other cars when we arrived, hardly a crowd, but given the wind-blown conditions, it was empty. But much to our delight and amusement, one lone guy paddled out into the boiling cauldron. I guess you could say he was the sacrificial lamb or the proverbial canary in a coal mine. Why bother paddling out ourselves when we can just watch him get tossed around. He gave us a clear indicator on the paddle out, the current, the take-off, a scaled size estimate, and a few hoots as we watched the ocean toss him around like a ragdoll.


We gave Ning Nong a miss and instead set off to check out Lake Ferry. We heard rumors of a peaky A frame wave with better winds. We arrived a short while later to perfect offshore winds but it was a dredging meat grinder with no real exit breaking in about a foot of water with a frothy death pit end section onto dry sand—kind of like a modified Coronado. We watched one remaining lone surfer take off and get a couple rides, all of which ended with an express trip through the spin cycle and a one way ticket to the bottom.

We had a bite to eat and then headed back to Ning Nong reef with high hopes for light winds the following morning. Bob is completely outfitted with the four-wheel drive truck and all the requisite camping gear. We pitched the tent, inflated the mattress, cooked up a meal, made a campfire, and enjoyed a couple of Monteith's Originals. Life was good.


We woke up to every surfer's dream—overhead surf, light offshore winds, and nobody out. This is New Zealand. Places don't get crowded. We took our time, ate breakfast, kicked back for a bit until the tide filled in just right. One Maori guy pulled up and paddled out just before us. He opted to paddle out wide which quickly swept him south. Bob and I took note and decided to time the set waves and just paddle out straight through the guts. It worked. We got swept a little wide, but not nearly as far as the other guy. We just about made it to the peak at the same time.

This was my first surf in REAL waves in some time. I'd been so busy with everything leading up to my departure for New Zealand, plus being sick twice in two weeks, that I'd lost some of the training effect in my paddling muscles. Bob let me borrow his 4/3 mm wetsuit since it was quite cold that morning. I felt like I was towing an anchor with the combined effect of my weakened paddling muscles coupled with a thicker wetsuit.

The three of us surfed all by ourselves for at least a good hour and a half to two hours. Perfect lefthanders peeled across the point with no one else hassling us. We joked around about how crowded it was having to tolerate this "crowd" of three!! The vibe in the water here is second to none. I don't think I've met one angry soul in the water since I've been here. We saw several cars pull up and check it, but for some reason, they left and went somewhere else. A few guys did eventually paddle out, but like our new found friend, they too were very relaxed and friendly.
Eventually the wind picked up and blew out the conditions. We packed up and ventured up the coast to the Tora Reserve. Bob had been there before and told me about the great waves in the region. It's like a surfing playground. One perfect point after another. You pull up, if one spot's crowded, no big deal. You just drive around the corner and there's another point waiting for you.

SMALL SMALL WORLD!!
We arrived to Tora and pulled into one of the few parking spots in front of the main point. While we were checking it out, a guy had just gotten out of the water and walked back to his truck parked next to us. Me being the social butterfly that I am and unofficial mayor of the world, I just say hello to everyone. We had a chat, I asked him where he was from, and he said Mount Maunganui.

I said, "How about that! I was there back in 1998 while passing through New Zealand."

I asked him if he knew of a buddy of mine named Darren Sisson who's from that very area but lived in the apartment beneath me in San Diego back in 2002. I said he was a mechanic and panel beater (car repair/painting).

He said, "yeah, Warrick Sisson, that must be his father." Score 1.

I then proceeded to tell him all about how I'd stopped into a surf shop named Ministry of Surf and how I'd met a really nice guy that owned the place. I said, "yeah, his name was Glenn Sheaf."

The guy was just shocked, "That's ME!! I'm GLENN SHEAF!!" 2 or 2 for the yank!!

We had quite a laugh about the whole thing actually. Then when we put it all together, we realized just how bizarre our meeting really was. In order to appreciate the strangeness of the entire situation, you have to know that:

1.—Mt. Maunganui is approximately 10 hours away from Tora by car.

2.—Out of hundreds, maybe thousands, of surf spots in New Zealand, we both ended up in Tora at that exact moment.

3.—Tora is rather removed and tucked away in the Wairarapas. It's not a major place that attracts much of a crowd.

4.— After 8 years since my last visit to New Zealand, I could have arrived anywhere on the North Island on any day of the year, yet it all came together that I arrived in the southern part of the North Island and just so happened to be quite literally in the middle of nowhere.

5.—He was there with 7 other guys and a magazine photographer doing a photo shoot with some of the young New Zealand rippers. Any of those guys could have made it back to the car before him, yet he was the first guy I talked to and it was Glenn Sheaf, a guy I'd only met for not more than 15 minutes 8 years earlier!! He was impressed with my memory to say the least. I've got a memory like an iron trap, that is true, but damned if I can find my car keys in the morning when I'm in a hurry!!

LIGHTNING DOES STRIKE TWICE
You're probably scratching your head and marveling at the above "needle in a haystack" meeting. Just when you thought the story couldn't get any wackier, it gets MUCH wackier! There was a Maori guy out in the water the first day. I said hello to him a couple times out in the water, but no real conversation. The following morning I was paddling out when I noticed the same guy on my left paddling next to me. We said our good mornings and he promptly introduced himself, "hi, I'm Mark." I asked him where he was from and he said the Waikato region.

"Raglan?" I asked.

—yeah, how do you know that?

"And they call you Stocky, right? You're also a badass soccer player, right?" I added.

—How do you know so much about me? Who are you?"

I told him, "I met you in Raglan when I was there 8 years ago. You worked at the Byrning Spears surf shop right on the main road into town!!"

Stocky just about shat himself! He was about as shocked as Glenn was. What a memory this Yank has!! We reminisced a little bit and talked about some mutual friends of ours from Raglan. From there we proceeded to share perfect right hand point waves with only a few people out. Life was good and only getting better!

The wave at Tora is a fun, workable right hander that peels down the point into a little cove. It's usually uncrowded and lonely where you're actually LOOKING for people to keep you company in the water. I'm not sure if that's more for self preservation though. If a shark comes looking for the buffet line, you hope the entrance point is where the other guys are sitting! If not that, then it's always good to have an extra set of eyes in case you get hurt. You don't want to be that far removed from civilization and have a life-threatening injury.

A case in point: Bob and I were surfing the second morning after enjoying the spoils from the previous afternoon. Bob was the king the day before, completely owning the place on his 6'10". The morning winds were HOWLING, blowing extremely strong sideshore/offshore onto the wave face which made takeoffs extremely tricky and setting a firm rail nearly impossible. We all did a few trips over the handlebars and proceeded to get a bit frustrated. I watched Bob take off on one wave and slip up. I saw him come up and get back onto his board, and assumed he was paddling back out. Another guy out in the water that we'd befriended later paddled up to me saying that he thought Bob might have hurt himself. He said he asked Bob if he was ok, and that he had given the thumbs up gesture. I breathed a sigh of relief and thought he might have gone in til the winds mellowed out a bit, not thinking much more of it at that moment.

I went in later and was shocked to find that his board had smacked him in the ribs. It knocked the wind out of him, leaving him in excruciating pain. He later commented that he thought he'd suffered a pneumothorax (collapsed lung). He did have a red mark on his side, but fortunately, no major gash or spleen hanging out!! It took a few days but he was fortunately ok. I give sign language THE FINGER!

As a short aside, when I injured myself in Fiji, the rest of the crew was back on the boat anchored in the channel, eating lunch, resting up after the morning's session. When I motioned for them to bring the meat wagon over to pick me up, they all thought I was waving them back out into the surf . They later told me they were talking amongst themselves saying, "nah, that's ok, you go ahead. We'll paddle out later." I couldn't scream because the pain was too extreme. The end result: a broken rib. Fast forward to the Tora incident, sorry about that one Bob!!!

2. Wellington, New Zealand: The Windy City

WELLINGTON: THE WINDY CITY………AND THE WINDING CITY
Wellington is affectionately dubbed Windy Wellington due to its close proximity to the Cook Strait and unpredictable weather patterns. Much like Melbourne, Australia, you can easily experience all four seasons in a day. I've seen first hand how it can go from an idyllic, warm, sunny morning to a blustery, windy, winter afternoon, all in the course of several hours. When I refer to wind, I'm not talking about a light breath of breeze. No, it howls gale force here. In fact, as I sit here writing this, it's a beautiful sunny day with a few scattered clouds breaking the sound barrier across the sky!

Wellington is a hilly city with plenty of snaking roads. From my experience so far, the suburbs of Hataitai and Brooklyn have turns so sharp that it's like making a 180 degree U-turn! As you climb to any altitude around town, you can't help notice the spectacular views of the harbor and ocean. It is positively breathtaking. But hey, what do you expect from the city where they filmed Lord of the Rings?

TRANSITIONS
The minute you leave Wellington, everything quickly converts to sheep-speckled rolling green countryside—a stark contrast in comparison to the Southern California concrete jungle. The motorway passes through quaint little communities on the way to the Kapiti Coast. The communities of Porirua and Paraparamu have their fair share of strip malls and auto dealerships, but it's not obnoxious and sprawling by any means. It's just about adequate to support the surrounding population without going over the top.

FAHRVERGNUGEN
Driving is an absolute pleasure here. I immediately noticed the slower pace of traffic and the conspicuous absence of cars tailgating up the ass end of our truck. In New Zealand, we drive on the left and pass on the right. For some reason, drivers here "get it." They actually pass and move back over to the left. The passing lane is almost ALWAYS clear. For some reason, all New Zealand citizens can grasp that concept yet in California, even with six lanes of highway going each way, people still feel compelled to make the numbers one and two lanes their own private cruising lanes.

This commentary would not be complete without a comment on the efficiency of merging. When two lanes merge into one, drivers somehow seem to back off and take turns. There's no overt "me first" mentality here. It's more like, "yeah mate, no worries. Go ahead and merge in front of me. I've got nowhere to be in a hurry." In short, New Zealanders seem to understand that if we all demonstrate a little common courtesy we all get where we're going a lot quicker.

HOME
We pulled up to Bob and Verena's home in Paekakariki a short while later. They live in a quaint little remodeled home on The Parade, the oceanfront drive that runs along the Tasman Sea coastline. There's such a sense of community here. Neighbors know one another. They peacefully push their strollers with a dog in tow. In my experience so far, everyone walking by looks up, smiles, and actually says hello. In many ways, there's still an unspoiled element of human connectedness that was probably last seen in America in the 1950s.

COLLAPSE
My body finally gave out on me after arriving home to Paekakariki. That night I fell ill with profuse body aches and a sore throat. I'd been running on fumes the final few weeks leading up to my departure for New Zealand. I somehow juggled the arduous task of packing up my entire life, selling off anything that would yield a buck or two, a family/business trip back to the east coast, and working at cardiac rehab right up to the bitter end. I think the plane ride was the straw that broke the camel's back. No matter what airline you fly, the economy class seats are meticulously engineered so that no matter what contorted position you attempt, you'll never quite get so comfortable as to get any meaningful REM sleep. It was a very full flight so I couldn't even score "ghetto first class", a row of seats with the armrests pulled up. I didn't stand a Democrat's chance running for the White House after sucking refried cabin air for 12 hours and shielding myself from those grungy filth-spewing virus fans. I went down for the count for a few days, finally coming back to good by Sunday/Monday (19th /20th November).

(continued.....)